


You've Gotta Stop Falling For the Frodos

by cerise



Category: Everwood
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-11
Updated: 2005-10-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 10:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerise/pseuds/cerise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Epiphanies can come from the strangest places. No, really. The <i>absolute strangest</i>. CRACKFIC AHOY! This story is all dialogue. I seriously don't even know how to properly summarize it, except to say that it's short.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Gotta Stop Falling For the Frodos

"Bright! I cannot believe you're not even _trying_ to help me figure this out."

"Because there's nothing to figure out, genius. Reid's extremely homo, and last I heard, you don't have the right appendix."

"It's append- you know what? Just. Never mind."

"I'm not too happy with that line of thought either, trust me."

"I just don't get why the universe insists on being _so_ consistently mean to me."

"You can't see it, but on the inside, I'm totally crying for you, Amy."

"I mean. All summer spent staring forlornly at the walls and stuffing my face with, like, Cheez-its – a surefire sign I've hit rock bottom if there ever was one –"

"... soooo, are there any Cheez-its left?"

"... and thinking I would never love again, and how does my brain decide to recover?"

"By annoying the living shit out of me?"

"By making me fall for a gay guy."

"Oh, riiiiight. Because you're a _dumbass_."

"Because life? Is just full of cruel little ironies and are you even listening to me, Bright?"

"Aw, man, you guys're out of Doritos too?... What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh, nothing, I was just thinking I kind of hate you a little right now."

" - Oreos! Mine."

"... Maybe more than a little."

  
***

"Hey, Reid. I didn't see you standing there."

"It's cool. Was that call for me?"

"Nah, it was Amy, but she had to go."

"Ahhh. Amy. Y'know, she's a little –"

"Hey, watch it. I'm the only one who gets to call her names."

"I was only gonna say _intense._ "

"Do you mean that like in a psycho bunny-boiling way, or like, butt-kicking Jennifer Garner kinda way?"

"I'm a happy medium kinda guy, Bright."

"Good to know. Hey – you don't really mind Ephram camping out here while he gets his act together, do you?"

"Nah. I was prepared for him to turn up sooner or later. What with you pining away for him all summer."

"I was so not _pining._ "

"Whatever works for you, man."

"I wasn't!"

"Don't worry; I thought it was sweet. Really."

"I'm gonna vomit on your ab curler."

"Okay, okay! Didn't mean to strike a nerve."

"... Dude."

"What?"

"Just. Don't say things like that when he's around, okay?"

"You are _really_ piece of work, Bright."

"Don't you forget it."

  
***

  
"Do you know what your real problem is?"

"I have a problem? As in, singular?"

"Yes, singular, Amy. You live a totally charmed life compared to, like, 99.99% of the Earth's population, you realize this, right?"

"Are you gonna start pulling a Sally Struthers about the poor starving children in East Timor or whatever again? Because I have to tell you, Hannah, I totally can't handle that right now."

"Tsk. _No_. Your problem is that you like the chase."

"I. The. Wait, what?"

"The chase! You can't just be content to let a guy fall for you. You have to. Like. Push it until you get it. You know?"

"I seriously have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay. It's like, if you let it happen naturally, then things fall into place where they should and all will be right with the world. But if you chase after a guy before you know for sure that he's interested in you, then whatever ends up happening, comes out all artificial, and invariably you end up lonely and hopeless and alone like me and um, gosh, giving advice shouldn't make me feel depressed, right?"

"You're crazy, you know this?"

"It's part of my shtick."

"Very charming."

"But you see where I'm going with this, right?"

"Yes. I should just let nature take its course."

"Eeeeexactly."

"... that's the worst advice I've ever heard in my life."

"What?!"

"If I let _nature_ take its course, my sex life is going to start growing cobwebs sooner rather than later. Because he's _gay_."

"Well, the Amy Abbott _I_ know is always up for a completely boneheaded and fruitless challenge."

"Thank you, Hannah. You're so supportive."

"It's because I love. So very much."

  
***

  
"Wait, wait, Ephram used to date _Amy_?"

"Yeah. What's so shocking about that?"

"Hmm. I don't think you want to know."

"Nuh-uh. You have to tell me now that you've brought it up."

"Nothing. I just thought. You know..."

"Ohhh... I get it. You thought he was an _advocate of alternative relationships._ "

"I did, actually. My bad."

"It's the girly hair."

"It's more than the hair, Bright."

"The hair is major. Hey, Reid?"

"Is it okay if I tell Ephram that you thought he was gay? You know, for pointing and laughing purposes. Um. Not that I... do a lot of pointing and laughing at... ummm..."

"Whatever makes you happy, man."

"Okay... wait, what was that supposed to mean?"

"I won't say anything more, except that my gaydar obviously sucks."

"It's gotta suck to be you, dude."

  
***

"And then she says my real problem is that I don't fall for men that are all manly and decisive and tough, the way she does."

"Really? Hannah said that? Hee."

"Oh, God, I've just crashed into your ego, and now I can see it inflating like a giant narcissistic airbag."

"You're the airbag, buttmunch. Anyway, she's right. You definitely don't go for the brawn. You go for the. The Frodo."

"The hell, Bright?"

"No, see? Last weekend, Ephram made me sit through the _Lord of the Rings_ trilogy, right?"

"No kidding. How the hell did he manage that?"

"He threatened to take my Carmen Electra stripper exercise tapes away."

"Ohhh - he went for the jugular."

"I know, right? So anyway, you always fall for the Frodo type. Hannah goes for the Aragorn type. Or- no, the other guy who gets stabbed and dies in the first one. But in like a hot, manly kind of way."

"So you thought Boromir was hot."

"You know what? _My point is_ , at this rate you're never gonna get married, 'cause your guy is always taking off for the scary mountains and throwing the rings into the lava and then running off again with creepy, super-pale elves. And that's just not normal. You see where I'm going with this?"

"That metaphor was, like, traumatizing, for the record."

"And yet, kinda accurate. Ehh? Ehhhh?"

"Just out of curiosity, how much of those movies did you actually stay awake for?"

"I dunno. Half an hour, tops."

"I can't believe Ephram is even still speaking to you."

"It's because I actually can sleep with my eyes open."

"That explains so much. Hey, so – you really think I go for the non-brawny men as a rule?"

"Duh. Do pigs take dumps in the woods?"

"No, actually, they don't."

"Work with me here, Amy."

"You're right, though. My God. I can't believe you've helped me have an actual epiphany."

"Is that painful?"

"Shut up! I'm serious! I am a total glutton for the indecisive, wishy-washy, sexually ambiguous types. It's completely true. My whole life has been one long, disastrous assembly line of metrosexuality."

"Yeah, well, _I_ wasn't gonna say it."

"Jeez, this is tragic. And where do you think I even get that from, anyway?"

"Well, I'm no psychological expert, but I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Dad's in the kitchen right now baking a souffle and wearing Mom's apron."

"Please tell me you're not serious."

"Mhm. The one with the embroidered ruffles."

"...Embroidery? _Really?_ "

"When I left him, he was jauntily humming that song from _Titanic_."

"Oh, my God, I think I hate our family, don't you?"

"I have two words for you, little sister: Daddy. Issues."

"Ugh. I refuse to accept that as even a remote possibility, lest I feel compelled to stab myself in the brain with my own hair clip."

"Well. You know what they say, Amy."

"Hmm?"

"Denial? Is not just a river in China."


End file.
